continued tears but new insights...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
well baby, i knew it wouldn't get any easier... i knew the pain wouldn't go away or get any smaller... losing you will always affect me so deeply... but i never expected the pain, the hurting, the intensity of it all to get worse as time goes by... but it does. i am dealing with it as best i can, and everybody around me is doing their best to be supportive. i just feel so inadequate for not handling this better. some days all i can do is get out of bed and make it through a day, not accompishing much, and crying every time i open my mouth to speak. i know it sounds a bit crazy, but the past 3-4 weeks has been even harder for me than getting through the holidays right after you left us. 

summertime... swimsuits and watermelons... vacation... your birthday... papa's birthday... my birthday... back to school time... so many things happening this time of year... so many things that you aren't here to do or experience... or for me to experience with you.

you should be here... maybe even have managed to get your driver's license and a car... hanging out with your friends... me calling you and telling you that it's past your curfew and you need to get your butt home now! going school shopping and arguing over a skirt that i think is too short but you think is absolutely perfect. or earrings that i hate because they dangle too long and you just HAVE to have them... picking out JUST THE RIGHT book bag (since you're just a bit too old for a backpack now) and binder... finding pens or pencils that say "drama queen" and "princess" on them and you just HAVE to have them! trying to get you to go to bed earlier so you can get back into some sort of regular schedule for school so i can actually get you up in the mornings. asking... no, telling you... to turn your stereo down and reduce the bass or else i'm unplugging it. us going to get our nails and hair done, mine because it needs it, and yours so it will be just right for the first day of school. knowing two of your friends are having babies at the end of this year and beginning of next year... how excited you'd be and wanting to plan at least one baby shower already, and talking about how much you can't wait till you have a baby and talking about baby names... what would you have named your babies? why can't i remember? i know we had those conversations... the names are lost to me for now. just as you are. you should be here for these things and many more. there is so much left in this world, this life that you had to leave, for you to do. for me to teach you, for others to teach you, and for you to teach them. it just doesn't seem fair. no, it just isn't fair at all. but as my old social studies teacher mr. russell used to tell us "nothing in life is fair"... we used to groan and roll our eyes each time he said that.... now i know what he meant...

i am at peace with the fact that you died. i knew you weren't going to get any better. and that it was getting harder and harder for you to deal with. you are so strong, so determined, so intent on what you need to do. you followed every order, every instruction, every little thing they told you to do. we followed the instructions, we were such meanies at times, not letting you do things that others thought you should be allowed to do. looking back... should i have let you? no, i don't think so. because maybe those decisions were the ones that kept you with us as long as you were. your doctors and medical people were all spectacular. we couldn't have asked for better people to be working with. they all loved you, they still love you and miss you, as do we. kia has a new baby... did you whisper little secrets in his ear before he left heaven to be with his new mommy and daddy? did you tell him how special his daddy was? i bet you did. and sierra's baby.... you're the one that keeps telling it to keep it's legs crossed during the ultrasounds, aren't you??? lol yep, i thought so. and elena... i know you are looking down on her and are so proud of the wonderful little girl she is. she's so smart and she is learning things so quickly. i miss her so much, and her mommy and daddy too, but i'm glad they are together. i know you will help keep watch over them. jesse is doing good. he graduated basic training yesterday and arrived in virginia today to start his AIT. i know you'll watch out for him too. alex is here and he's doing his best. it's hard on him, having everybody gone away, no matter if it is permanent or temporary. to him it just seems like everybody leaves. let him know you are around now and then. remind him that he's special to you. help him to remember the good things, and to encourage him. he wrote his entrance exam/essay paper on you, his big sister. 

so much, it just seems so unreal that i'll never get to cook another thanksgiving dinner with you. that you won't be able to help me with the quilts or the baby dolls... i am still planning on making the one you wanted. i will keep it always. i feel a whole new sense of grief. not of your death. it's not the same grief of losing you like that. i am greatful and thankful that you passed when you did. my grief, my mourning, my pain comes from what should have been, what could have been, for the things that were yet to come that will never ever be. things that you never had the joy or heartache or frustration to experience... things that i will never experience with you... things i will never be able to watch as you grow and mature into a wonderful and insightful young woman. no proms, no graduations, no engagements, no weddings, no baby showers, no first apartments, no pregnancies, no labor and deliveries, no anniversaries or first fights, no finance problems or late night arguements that you call me about, no nothing. with a blink of an eye it's gone, vanished. well, that's not exactly true... it can't vanish if it never was in the first place. like i said, i grieve for things that were yet to come. 

but i am truly greatful and joyous for all the times we did have together. all the wonderful memories... happy, sad, exciting, frustrating, hilarious, breathtaking, heartbreaking, giggly, silly, etc. that made you who you are. my wonderful, beautiful, imperfect, talented, bullheaded, kooky baby girl. i love you so, i always will. the tears will never completely stop, i know you know that. but i promised you that i would be ok, and i will be. there will just be bumps and potholes in the road like now. i'll get through them, or around them, or i will venture down into them and up the other side and out. you are such a strong person, so determined, and never a quitter. you got that from me. and i got that from grandma. it's a good thing. 

i am doing my best to make my experience through all of this, and your experience through your journey, meaningful and helpful to others. i AM going to go to school. and the things we endured as a family will not have happened for nothing. other families that are struggling to get through these things will find help, support and caring to help get them through. you may not be present in this life any longer baby, but the affect that you had and will have on so many people will be endless. someday, somewhere, somehow, someone is going to tell someone else about a young girl in kansas city, ks and how brave and strong and wonderful she was. how talented and determined, what an individual she was, and not just a follower. you will go on, and on, and on baby... forever. 

i love you, 

momma Close

Miss You always  / Kia Tuala (Friend)
Just wanted to show my respects to you Rhonda and to my friend Amanda.  She was truly blessed to have a strong and patient mother like you by her side. 

Amanda, We all are going to miss you.  I know things are not the same here at work since you left, I dont have anyone to bring me health peanut butter snacks and stuff.  I will always remember you smile'n, because you always were!  

Much love and aloaha's!!!...!!!

Kia and the Tuala FAMILY. Close

Thinking of you and your loving mom on your special day  / Marlyn- Rachel's Mom

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On wheels and wings baby girl...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
hello baby girl, it's momma... again! :-)

me and 'nother momma are heading out on a little vacation... yeh! can you believe it!? and it's just the two of us, that's gonna be strange! adults only! wow! lol your brother is visiting his dad and you're in good hands. :-)

we'll be driving, but it's not too far. and we'll be visiting and meeting people that i wish could have met you while you were here with us. but i'm sure plenty of memories will be shared along the way. we're also going to 'nother momma's 20 year high school reunion! how cool and corny is that?! lol i think it should be fun. i never went to any of mine, and this is the first of hers that she's gone to. we'll see how many looks of surprise we get huh? *wink* as the drama queen always believed, when in doubt, what the heck, go for shock value! lol not really, but i knew you could appreciate the sentiment. 

you can't be with us in body, but i'll take a bit of you with me just like always, and you of course be with us in spirit, riding on the wings of memories. enjoy the trip baby, i know we will. i love you and miss you so... momma's nostalgic and a bit sentimental, but momma's ok. just like i promised baby.

forever and always, 

momma Close

THINKING BACK  / JAMIE ASTON (FAMILY FRIEND )
I RECENTLY HEARD "KORN"  WAS DOING A TOUR AGAIN,  AND IT MADE ME THINK BACK TO WHEN YOU WERE AT OUR HOUSE AND WON 2 TICKETS TO THE CONSERT  ~~~~~  WE TRIED SO HARD TO GO BUT COULDNT FIND A WAY!!!     I KNOW WE WOULD HAVE HAD FUN!!!!         I NEVER KNEW WHY BUT I KEPT MY TICKET, EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT GO~~~ NOW I KNOW IT WAS SO ID ALWAYS HAVE A  PART OF YOU!!!!  YOUR IN MY HEART, LOVE AND MISS YOU AMANDA,    JAMIE Close

memories... / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
hey baby girl, here i am again... sometimes i just need to put things down in print, even though i know you don't need it that way to hear me. it's been over 7 months since you've been gone. there are so many fists! each one has it's own set of mixed emotions. some firsts are easier than others. one that doesn't come up very often, is me getting ready to have surgery. it's just same day surgery, no hospital stay. but how many times have i taken you to that very same outpatient surgery department? how many times have i waited anxiously for them to come and tell me that you were in recovery and doing well and that i could go back and see you? now it is me. it will be so strange being on the other end of that experience. it will just be kind of strange. i know that even though i will be dealing with my own situation, part of me will be uniquely aware of you and our times spent there. i love you so much baby, not a day goes by that i don't think of you, i miss you so much, my heart aches. i love you.

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hey gurl i miss ya!  / Patricia Cornelson (big sister(sis-in-law) )
Hey lil sis u have no idea how much elena,chris and myself miss you,i wish you were her cuz i could really use a nany for Elena lol.
She is gotten so big  u know 18 months,wow,i remember when she was just born,remember when we gave her  her first bath and afterwards how her hair looked,u told me she looked like if she had a afro going on,remember how much we laugh?..i miss hearing your laugh(not that was the most pretty laugh ever) but still i miss it i really do,i miss u alot,especially now that  ur dorky brother went back into the army,i need some one to cheer me up,u could always put a smile on my face ,i miss you so much girl i wish u were here.

sexy mama =) Close

hey more news about baby.......  / Sierra Beary (Sister/best friend )
Hey I forgot to let you know that I had went to the doctors on 5-30-06 and we got to hear the babys heart beat...It was awsome..I wish you could have been there to hear it....I miss you so much...You being gone and getting ready to be a single mom is hard and I just wish you could be here and see everything and keep telling em things would be ok like you always do....You know before you past away when Id email you and tell you that I needed to talk to you you would always ask if I was ok or if I was pregnant...And now that your gone...I find out that Im pregnant thats crazy...Just wish you were here so you could enjoy it too!! Close

So sorry!!!!  / Claudia Picchi
Dear Rhonda,
I just found out about Amanda!!!
I'm in total shock!!!
I'm out of words to tell you how sorry I am!!!
My heart goes out to you!!!
Big strong hug!!!
From your Brasilian friend,
Claudia



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Hey Sis, got some news...........  / Sierra Beary (Sister/Best Friend )
Hey Amanda,
Got some news for ya... Not sure if mama has told ya. But Im pregnant and going to go through with having the baby and keeping it. I got my first doctors appointment tomorrow and Im kinda nervous. As you can see, cuz Im sure you are watching over me but still just in case...:)
I love you and miss you so much. Dont worry my baby will know all about you. I will let you know what I find out tomorrow...
I love you and miss you
Good-Night sister and auntie:)
Sierra Close

I'm so sorry  / Jo Fitzpatrick (Angel mom to Sara )
What a beautiful daughter and a wonderful tribute to her.   I know the pain you are feeling as I lost my 16 year old daughter Sara last year also.   How brave Amanda was.  You never think you will have to bury one of your own children.   
God Bless You.

JoBeth
Sara's mom Close

An angel  / Cheryl McCall (none)
Amanda is a true angel.  God is blessed having her at His side! Close

seems like yesterday...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
yes, it seems like just yesterday... you leaving this life... but monday will be 4 months... 4 months without you my baby... it still seems so strange... but the more time that goes by, the more it truly sinks in that you aren't ever coming home. we've been so used to having you coming and going from either a vacation or then when you were sick and so many hospital stays... for a while it just seemed like you were just gone for a while and surely you'd be home soon. or the phone would ring and it would be you wanting to know why i wasn't back up at the hospital yet, or letting me know what i could bring you. i know, i know you are really gone, and i'm not living some sort of charade or pretending, i know what is real... i know you have passed on to a better place and i am still so grateful that you were spared so much more pain and suffering... it's just such a huge thing to grasp... so hard to really come to terms with the fact that i can't see my precious baby girl or hold you in my arms, or have you lay in my arms and play with your hair while we watch a movie, or massage your hands or feet with lotion, etc. how do i exist without you baby? i know i have a long life to live... that life goes on in spite of everything... but picturing my life without you in it seems so impossible... my arms feel so empty, and they ache down to the very marrow of my bones. ok, i'm rambling again, but it all just wells up inside me and i have to get it out. i love you baby, so very much. for ever and ever. some day i'll see you again, i know that, and until then keep my daddy company ok? grandma misses him so much, but knows the two of you are together and that is a wonderful thought. bye for now baby, you are so precious to me. Close

MY BEAN  / Renee Scanlon (aunt)

I was there when she was born,a much loved child and very ,very wanted and love by her mom.,But she has always been my Bean. Amanda{myBean} is with me everyday and lets face it some of us need all the help in heaven we can get....I know she looks down on her loved ones and gives us a little shove now and then and I'm sure she is a guardian angel for some little boy or girl. Even though she is not with us I look at it as God had much more important things for her to do in heaven. I miss her very much.Love Aunt Nae

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I wish i could see you my sweet girl...  / Rhonda Cox ((Momma))
i miss you so much... some days go by much easier than others... and sometimes the day is easy but the night is long... no rhyme or reason to it... i look at your pictures and my heart still aches... the loss of you in my life is so great... i wish i could see you... i know i will someday... but today is so empty... i am in awe of your strength and determination... your courage and the love and loyalty you showed in your life... i am contantly finding out more and more ways that you had an impact on other peoples lives... so many people love you and miss you... the kitties are back home now, and i know they miss you too. toby will lay next to mr snuffy and purr and knead with his paws... ann says she thinks that they understand that you are gone, that animals can sense things like that and i think you probably had a talk with them or let them know somehow. they are soing good and we are loving them extra much for you too. oh baby, this is so incredibly hard... i know you had to leave, i know you fought as long as you could and you were spared much worse suffering, for that i am so grateful... but i do so wish i had you in my life longer... i wish we could have shared more... that i could have watched and helped you experience more of this life... but i guess you were here for just as long as you were suppose to be, huh? i know that i won't ever get over the loss of you... but i am working on dealing with it, i promised you i'd be ok, and i will keep that promise to you, ok? i love you baby. my sweet precious girl. i love you.   Momma Close

BLUE POPCYCLES  / RUSH BOLES (NURSE KU PEDS CLINIC )

AMANDA I WILL ALWAYS THINK OF YOU EVERY TIME I GIVE OUT A BLUE POPCYCLE.  AS I WATCH EACH LITTLE CHILD SMILE THAT BLUE SMILE I SEE THE SMILE YOU ALWAYS GAVE ME, EVEN ON THOSE BAD DAYS, YOUR LIGHT SHINED THROUGH. 

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I guess there will always be something...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
well baby... i guess there will always be something... i'm going through boxes trying to get more things unpacked and settled... some things haven't been unpacked in 2-3 years... and of course i'm finding thngs of yours... i found the little lima bean figurine that your aunt nay got you before you were born... and i found the little baby girl figurine that was on the cake at your baby shower... i found your porceline (sp?) dolls that grandma gave you... i found your mickey mouse pull toy that you had when you were a baby, the one that got recalled and instead of returning it i just packed it away. you loved that thng! i'm sure i'll come across more and more stuff as the days go by... i'll see something, hear something, talk to someone, etc. etc. etc... there will always be something... so many things in life remind me of you... they bring back good memories... but at the same time a bit of sadness that you are gone and not with us. but i am glad i have these few things to jog my memory, to remember all the silly little fun times we had. i love you so much baby girl. you are so precious to me. i love you. i love you so very much. and i never stop missing you. pass around the hugs and kisses for me, i know you are in good company. love, momma Close

Amanda / Brandy McCann (friend)
I dont even know what to say on here. I actually never met Amanda, I only talked to her online. It was only a few times, but I remember her being so sweet, and funny. We had good conversations, not just the typical, "hey, how are you?" that we tend to do with people on the net. I wasnt aware that she had cancer, and now I wish that I had gotten to talk to her every chance I got. I suppose this sounds silly to most, I mean like I said, I really dont know anything about her, just that she was the only person I talked to in the whole chatroom. I have never lost anyone, aside from like a great uncle or something, and who would have thought that this would affect me? I dont mean that to sound rude because thats not the case, I guess that this is just a part of life? Sorry that this seems so confusing, I think through this Im working out how I feel about death. Ive always said that I hate it when you are going through a tough time and someone says, "Im sorry" but at this point, I dont know what to say to her friends and family aside from that. I know that God heals everything in His time, and I guess thats all I can leave you with. ~*~ Brandy Close

it's momma again baby...  / Rhonda Cox (momma)
i don't know if it's crazy or not, me writing notes to you here when you're in heaven... but sometimes i just have to talk, to get what's in my heart out... i know you wouldn't/won't mind. i get through most days ok, not one of them goes by without me thinking about you often, but i get through them. then there are some days... oh my sweet girl... i miss you so much every bone in my body aches so terribly bad. i know i won't ever get you back... i just have to adjust to the loss of you... until i see you again someday. it's that adjusting that is so damn hard. you were so full of life and it didn's seem like anything could keep you back from what you wanted... right or wrong! our days were filled with laughter and busy-ness, with arguements and disagreements, and compromise and learning from each other. i've spent your whole life taking care of you, watching over you, protecting you, teaching you, guiding you, and this past year all that was punched up about 100 notches! and now.... there's nothing. you're gone. i pray that god will ease the pain of loss in my heart.  just keep watching over us all baby, i'll get through this, and so will everyone else, its just hard, so very hard. i love you baby... as big as the sky... as big as the stars... as big as infinity.... as big as infinity +1! :-) good night my sweet baby...

love momma Close

still so tough...  / Rhonda Cox (momma)
oh my sweet girl, it is still so tough. i'm still doing ok, just like i promised you i would be. i just have good days and bad days. grandma says that it never really get easier, you just learn how to cope with it better. i hope that is true.
this week has been rough... we're moving... to a house instead of the apartment! you'd love it, i know you wanted for us to be in a house again so much. i still can't believe that you were going to make that your wish for the make-a-wish foundation. lol you were always so sweet. (they still haven't called back).

caps for kids DID get back in touch with me. you didn't know about that one. i was going to surprise you. they get caps for kids that are going through life threatening illnesses and conditions and have them signed bye athletes and celebrities that the kids like. well, i told them how much you liked the show "charmed" and the let me know that they got your cap, signed by all four girls on from the tv show! i know you would have loved it. i'm sorry you never got to know about it or see it. since that was your and patricia's "thing" (watching charmed together all the time) i told her i wanted her to have it. i know you would have wanted that.

the kitties get to come home friday! i'm so excited! i know you hated to see them have to leave in the first place, but understood why. i am glad you got to see them that time ann let you drive out to anita and cookies house.. i know they have and will always miss you. especially toby. i will love them enough for both of us, ok:?

i love you baby, so very much. going through things and packing and unpacking has brought up so many memories and very raw emotions to the surface again. i wouldn't have missed any of it for the world baby. i cherish every memory, experience, and lesson i learned from you.

i saw a preview of a movie that is coming out and it made me cry because i know you would have loved it and we would have gone to see it. i just bawled. i am definately going to go see it, and i'm sure there will be more tears.

bye for now my sweet. i love you and miss you so.

love, momma Close