miss you so much  / Kanaian Koutz (sis)
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. Close

An incerdable Angel has gone home  / Kanaiah Koutz (Family Friend )

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Oh GOD, Rohnda and Ann I'm so sorry for your loss. Amanda is and will always be apart of my heart.She at the sweet age of 14 years tuoght me so many things. Me being a mother of 2 (mcky & roary) learned lessons of life and love from her. I will take her with me in all my days.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU MANDA
Let us not cry tears of sarrow, but tears of joy. For Amandas sweet spirit has enlightened with laughter.

Close

to my precious sweet baby girl... i miss you... so much...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
tonight i was at someone's house, they had some friends over... whilei was nibbling on some chips and salsa, veggies and dip, i overheard a conversation... a group of people talking about life and their kids... how horrible "this" age was, or "just wait till they hit "that" age"... and "oh, wait till they hit 15, you won't be able to wait till you can get rid of em!"... i know they were joking around, i know they were just ranting and raving and venting... but oh what a different perspective i have on comments like those now. if onlyi had those times back.. if only i had those year with you again... if only i had you at 15 and could look forward to having you will me at least till you were a "grown up"... i cherish all the time we had together, good and bad. it all taught me something. it all molded me into who i am today. i thank you for your love and your loyalty, your respect and the challenges you gave me, i admire your strength and courage, and my heart aches knowing some of the loneliness and heartache that you felt and didnt' tell anyone about. i wish i would have been aware of the times you seemed so strong and capable and underneath you were scared and vulnerable like the rest of us. i wish i could have seen that and held you close and assured you that things woudl be ok. but you didn't want me or anyone else to see all that. you didn't want to be treated any differently. that's why you didn't tell alot of poeple how sick you were. you were being positive and strong, you wanted to be treated normal, you didn't want anyone to pity you or feel sorry in any way for you. you wanted them to be your friend no matter what, but not just because you were sick. i love you my precious girl, and you've taught me and so many other people what is really important in this life. we will never forget the lessons we've learned. we will go on to teach them to others. we will pass along stories of you and your couragous fight, your determination, your strength, your sense of humor, your stubborness! you are always with me, my heart is full of the love i feel for you. that will never change. thank you for sharing yourself with me for these few short years... i was truly blessed. i love you and miss you so much my darling. Close

Here Without You ( Poem )  / Sierra Beary (Friend/Sister)
Here without you
 
i know you're gone.
but you're memory,
its still,
here with me.
 
but i can stand again.
im slowly building myself up.
im slowly getting stronger.
but im still not there.
 
for months i lived a fairy tale
never been happier.
then it was taken away from me
and then my skies went grey.
 
my life begain to deteriorate
and you thought i would take it better
that i wouldnt cry
that i woudnt be sad.
 
i know i shouldnt cry.
i know i shoudnt waste away
and think about you
but its just too hard.
 
and i know you'll never read this
but i looked up to you.
you were always there for me
and i can't even thank you now.
 
scary though.
i dont want to think about it.
me. alone.
me, here without you.

Wrote By: Sierra E. Beary
 I love you Amanda Close

Amanda I love you  / Sierra Beary (Friend/Sis)
Amanda,
 Hey girl....
I love and miss you so much... You always wanted to know what was going on in my life...Well, if you cant see... Im confused and depressed right now. Im moving with Michael into a Apartment this coming weekend. We are finally getting our place together... Until something happens cuz Im thinking about leaving him cuz everyone thinks he will end up abusive and thats not kool!! You always said to watch for signs and warnings and if I see em to get away so Im going to try as soon as I get the money and ability to cuz right now its hard to.. Just hopefully nothing bad happens before I do get the chance to leave.... Just keep watching over me and makeing sure Im doing ok... I apperciate it and miss you so much....
I should be taking my GED test this month sometime... Not much time left so I have to get busy studying but I couldnt go no longer without writing to you...Sorry it took so long...
Love you Sis...
Sierra
      Close

<3 / Stephanie/Freddy Hedden (friend)
When i first met Amanda i knew there would be something that i would ALWAYS like about her. after thinking about it for awhile i figured out that it was just her in general. she is/was one of the sweetest girls ive ever met and a fun one at that. although we didnt get to hang out much we did have a few phone conversations but we mostly talked online. she helped me through alot of my problems and i thank her for that.
<3 in loving memory forever<3 i will always miss Amanda
Freddy Close

I miss you so much my sweet girl... so very much...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
nothing seems right... most of the time i feel like i'm dealing with things pretty well... then things just go haywire and everything sucks bigtime... i hate feeling like this... i know you don't want me to feel bad or fall apart baby, and i promised you i would be ok... and i will... this has just been a rough day. i love you and miss you so much... i wish i could see you and hold you once more... it's so hard thinking of you not being here in this world anymore. so many people were blessed by your presence, but so many others will be deprived of that now that you are gone. but i will do my best to keep you and the memories of you alive and well and passing along to others, to brighten their days, to encourage them, to make them smile, to give them the desire to fight, to help them to know that they are important and mean something special! that is what keeps me going when everything else turns to crap. your strenght carries on my sweet girl... your strength carries on... thank you... sending angel kisses and hugs to you... love momma Close

hi baby, just some misc musings of the day...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
just me baby... oh how i miss telling you these things in person... ann is in the kitchen making pancakes... i caught myself thinking of going to ask you if you wanted any and how many... it's so hard to get used to you not in our daily lives... night before last, patricia came over to borrow something and told me that elena had "helped" her make a cake. lol i asked her how it turned out and she said it was fine. it was a january 6th cake, but she didn't have any baby Jesus' to put in it. i asked her what that was and she said that it is one of thier traditions in mexico to make a cake on january 6th and after it's done, you take several little plastic babies (to represent the baby Jesus) and poke them into the cake in various spots (from underneath) and then frost the cake. when you get together to eat the cake, the people who end up with the pieces that have the babies in them are the ones that have to get together and plan/cook for a party that is held on feb 2nd or 13th. she asked me if i had anything she could use for the baby Jesus'... well, i thought and i tnought and i thought some more... you know me, i have a bit of everything... but i didn't have any little plastic babies! lol BUT! i did have 3 little plastic ice skating snowmen that were brand new in the wrapper still! lol she said "That'll work!" lol so we had a baby Jesus/snowman cake. patricia, elena and i were the ones that ended up with the snowmen, so we will have to get together and figure out what to have at this party. it should be fun! something new for us to do each year. i wish you could have been here, you would have had fun with it. i found some silver ornaments at walmart last night for 75% off! i got one for zavier that says baby's 1st christmas, one for darien that has a train on it, one for elena that has a cow with a santa hat on (!), one for alex that has a winter scene on it with deer and snow, one for patricia and chris that is two hearts joined together, and the same one for jesse and katt (symbolizing their first christmas' spent together), and i bought one for you that is an angel on her knees looking up and singing, it has beautiful green gemstones in the halo. i have decided that every year i am going to get each of you and ornament, and in honor of you i will get an angel ornament. i will give the kids their ornaments so their moms/dads can start building their collections, and when alex is grown and married, he can take his ornaments to put on his own family tree to continue collecting each year. i will get to keep your angel ornaments to put on our tree each year. and i found one of those tiny little fairy dust necklaces! it is a silver fairy with pinkish/red fairy dust in a tiny little vial inside her wings. i know you had wanted one of those, so i got it and was planning on making it into a christmas ornament (since i can't wear it as a necklace) but ann said i should just leave it on your pink purse (that's where i hung it for now), so i did for now. later maybe i can make it into an ornament if i decide i want to. well baby, i have to go for now. i have tons of stuff to do and not much motivation to do them! lol so i better get done all that i can while i can! lol i love and miss you so much... keep shining down on all of us sweetheart... your strength and love shines so strongly even though you are not with us physically. sending you angel hugs and kisses baby. Close

Forever... Just like you baby....  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
hey my sweet baby... i am so glad because now this site i started for you will be here forever.... just like you are in my heart and with me forever... i love you my sweet girl... i love you so much... Close

The Journey continues my sweet baby girl...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
Hello my love... it's momma... just thinking about you so much and yes, i still wish you were with me, but i wouldn't want you to have to be sick anymore. and you aren't, so i am at peace with that. our grief support group started tonight, we will go every other week for 8 seessions. i think it will help alot. alex refused to go, he is having a hard time dealing with everything. if you can give him a little nudge now and then and plant a little seed of cooperation in his little mind and heart i would greatly appreciate it! having jesse here has been really good for him. jesse is always able to calm him down when he gets upset. oh baby, it is so good to have christopher here. and i know that patricia is just thrilled to finally have thier little family together! elena is growing and learning so much! she is running and dancing and stomping her feet when she dances! lol she is too funny! her favorite word right now is "sticky" with the a really hard and sharp sound to the "sk" part. but of course you've probably seen and heard it all so why am i telling you!? lol i love you baby, i love you so much it does hurt so badly. but i am doing ok. i am keeping my promise. oh! and we are working on getting the support group going! it will make you so proud! everybody says hi and that they love and miss you so much. goodnight by sweet girl. sending angel hugs and kisses to you. Close

Happy New Year's Eve Baby Girl...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
hello my girl... it's new years eve... i wish you were here... we are spending tonight with aunt renee and uncle mike, basically just a quiet new years eve with just the four of us. we're going to have a martini / tapas party! let's see, there are green apple martinis, citris martinis, and a chocolate martini! never had ANY kind of martini, so this should be interesting!  and i know if you were you'd be arguing about wanting a sip of champagne or whatever there was! you were always so eager to grow up! lol the tapas part means that you have little nibbly appetizer stuff instead of bigger dishes of things. i'm making those little cheese things with the pepper jack cheese that we liked so much. we'll probably stay the night over there, cause you know how we are about ANYBODY drinking and driving, even if we only have one drink and it is only around the corner. better safe than sorry. i still wish you were here. it just seems so strange. even now. this is the third holiday without you my darling, and i dont' know if i will ever get over you not being here for the holidays. but i know that i can walk out on aunt renee's balcony tonight and see the stars twinkling overhead and feel the crisp cold air on my cheeks and know that you are smiling down on us all. i've been meeting other people/moms who have lost children, and it is really hard for them. ii have no doubt that you know who i am talking about... i'm sending you plenty of hugs and kisses, so make sure you pass them around ok? i love you so much, and miss you even more. Happy New Year baby. Close

I love you sis!!  / Sierra Beary (Best Friend )
Amanda, 
 Like I said when I moved away and went off to school. I am always here for you and never will leave your side. I said that from time I moved til the day you died, and it still stands...
You were best friend, sister, you were my everything... I love and miss you Amanda... Thanks for everything and I know you are watching me now and thanks!!
I miss being able to just pick up the phone and call you or just get in my car and coming to see you.... It still tears me up but I keep strong for you..... I cry yeah but mostly i stay strong..... Thanks for everything once again...
Rhonda and Ann... I love you guys and I will always be here for you...

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! Close

hello my sweet baby... i'm thinking of you...  / Rhonda Cox (Momma)
hello there darling... it's just momma saying hello... it's so strange not being able to just go into your room and check on you and say hi, i love you. i miss hearing your sweet voice answer back "i love you too momma" i think that is the hardest part. knowing i'll never hear your sweet voice again. just doesn't seem fair for a parent to outlive their child. it just shouldn't work that way. i've read several other people's memorial sites here... and i must say that as tragic as your leaving us was, it is so different from so many others that were ripped away thruogh violent actions of others. i am so glad you didn't suffer any more than you had to. your life was and is so very precious to me. i am keeping snuffy safe with me, artimus is with elena, she loves him so much! sometimes she gets her picture frames and points to your picture and then takes the phone to her mom wanting to call you. she's such a sweetheart, and she loves you very much. as she grows up, i will make sure that she knows how special she was to you and how much you love her. christmas isn't quite the same without you here. it's still christmas, but just seems like a piece is missing from it all. that piece is YOU. we managed fairly well, and we will continue on. don't worry. i had to take ann to work at 5am today! yikes! i hate mornings! lol but on the way home i stopped by the hospital and got to see and talk to carol in the MTU. she was so glad to see me and to see how i was doing. she remembers so many good times with you, and how you were very much in control of what you could control, but you would cooperate to the fullest with the things that you just had to do. carol said she loved your spirit and your independence. there is another pediatric patient in the MTU, she is 17 yrs old. she is getting a transplant of her own cells, as opposed to what you had which was a MUD (matched unrelated donor). carol said she was really glad that you didn't have to have the kind of chemo that this girl is getting, because every day for several weeks, she has to take a bath 4 times a day!!! lol carol said you would have never complied with that! lol j/k. anyway, i'm going to lay down for a little bit more. i love you so much baby, and miss you terribly. i know you must be enjoying yourself in heaven. i am so proud of the fight you put forth. you are forever close to me. Close

Thinking about you baby...  / Rho Cox (Momma)
well, i guess i should say STILL thinking about you. its' so hard baby, i know i am and willl get through this, but its' so damn hard. i just have this underlying sadness that is always present. i dont' think it will ever go away. grandma says you never forget or get over it, it just becomes easier to live with each day and go on with life. i miss you so much. i look at your pictures, and at the "riches" that you tried to take with you! lol that always makes me smile though. i have them in your little pink leopard print coin purse. sometimes i carry it in my purse, sometimes in my pocket, just to feel a part of you close to me. other times i put it next to your ashes and picture. there are times taht i take down your handprint that the nurse at the hospital gave me and i just place my hand in yours and sit quietly for a bit. i dont' cry as often as i have. i am truly more at peace about your death. i know that you were spared much more pain and suffering that was ahead of you. for this i am greatful. i am so proud of you my baby girl. you fought so hard and so long. you are my hero! today i had to get a shot in my shoulder to try to help it heal, some sort of bursitis has set in and i've been in alot of pain lately. oh how i dreaded that needle! but i sat there and thought, if amanda could go through what she went through all this past year, then i can do this! i held onto ann's hand, i'm surrpised i didn't break it! but i didn't flinch and i didn't cry. aren't you proud of me?! lol hopefully this will do the trick and i won't have to have another one. it's late and i kept waking up, totally restless night. so i got up and decided to do some emails and some more work here on your memorial site. i am going to do my best to come up with the $55 sponsor fee to keep your site permanent instead of only for two weeks. we'll see what i can do. i hope i can manage to keep it up and going. i have found it to be a great sense of comfort to me. i love you baby, always have and always will. i'm sending {{{hugs}}} and kisses to you my precious girl. share them with your papa, i miss him too. bye for now. and remember, mom is doing just fine, you don't have to worry about me. i'm working through all this just fine. i know you are in a better place with no more pain and suffering. i know you shine down upon me and smile. i know that some day i will see you again... wont' that be grand?!!?! bye for now. i love you with all my heart baby. Close

Always... / David Donaldson (Friend)
Dear Amanda,

Although I never spoke to you or knew you as a person, your mother shared your experiences with me and a close group of friends. Many of which have gone through or are experiencing the same challenges that you did. You will always live on in our hearts and minds...

Love,
David Close

Keeping you close in caring thoughts and prayers  / Maralyn Ducker (Friend)
Dear Rho and Family,
Though your hearts must hold deep sadness at the loss of dear Amanda,
May it also hold the blessings of the life you shared and the love that will always be a part of you.   I pray that God will comfort your hearts, uplift your spirits, and carry you all through this time of sadness to a place of Peace.
Hugs
Maralyn Close